My best friends tell the story of when they met. He was her teaching assistant at the university and had noticed her from the beginning. He asked her out several times but she refused. My friend is a radical feminist. When she finally agreed, she said she would go on a date with him but would pay the price herself. His response? “Great! And then we can do double things.”
They only married because he got a job at a teen summer camp that wouldn't hire someone “living in sin.” So they had a small party at their house with a few close friends and their sheepdogs. Throughout the marriage, they shared all the expenses of running the household, buying groceries and furniture, and paying for vacations. Each of them has their own investment accounts. I have never known two people happier than these two.
Personally, I pay my share at the beginning of every relationship, simply because there is still a patriarchal societal expectation that women are like pop dispensers: you put in some money, and you get what you want as a result. At least, that's how I see it. When you start paying yourself, you are telling the person you are going out with that this value judgment is out of the question, and that there is no expectation when the date ends.
Who do you think should pay?
Friend crushes and casual dates
Related: “This guy blew my mind”: My companion chose an exclusive restaurant in Los Angeles. After dinner, he accepted my credit card, and we split the $600 bill. Shouldn't he pay?
“Choosing a partner will likely be the biggest financial decision you'll ever make, especially if you end up getting divorced. So make this decision wisely.”
Market watch illustration
Dear admiration,
If a man asks a woman out on a date and she chooses the restaurant, he should at least offer to pay. If a man asks another man out on a date and he chooses the restaurant, he should at least offer to pay. If a woman asks another woman out on a date and she chooses the restaurant, she should at least offer to pay. If a woman asks a man out on a date and she chooses the restaurant, she should at least offer to pay.
If their companion says: “No, let's talk Dutch”, that's okay.
If their companion says, “Thank you, that's very kind of you,” and allows the person asking to pay, that's okay too. I feel especially strongly about this if the person asking chooses an expensive restaurant. You can't expect everyone to pay $100, $200 or more for a meal. If you do this, you are living in a bubble and not taking the other person's feelings into consideration, which is a red flag.
Of course, some people — like this woman — expect their partner to pay for everything. Some men don't even want their wives to work. Other people say they want to go to the office to get away from their partner. What does this tell us? Not much really, except to say that if everyone felt the same way about working and paying for dinner, the world would be a very boring place.
I recently heard another “meet cute” story about two people who met on a night out. She gave him her phone number, but he never called. So I thought, “We had a great night. I'm going to find him and ask him why he never called. He lived in another city, and I tracked him down through his work and texted him. Turns out he lost her number. Now they're married with three kids.”
Everyone has a different level of expectations and trust, and someone who has strong principles about pushing, like your friend, should find a romantic partner who appreciates and supports that. Choosing a partner will likely be the biggest financial decision you'll make in your life, especially if you ultimately decide to divorce. So make this decision wisely.
Who pays on the first date, and the respect they show for their partner's decision, is a good guide to how the relationship will progress. Here's an experiment: Bring your partner to a restaurant with slow service, then sit back and watch their reaction. You may learn a lot about how this person operates under pressure if things don't go their way.
More columns by Quentin Futrell:
“I want to meet someone rich. Is this so wrong? I'm 46, make $210,000, and own a $700,000 house. I'm tired of dating 'losers.'
My dinner date “forgot” his wallet and took his tax receipt. Should I have called him out on being cheap?
“I spend $600 a month taking women out for dinner and drinks”: Does a man always have to pick up the check on the first date?
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter. The Moneyist regrets that he cannot respond to questions individually.
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