I want to help a friend who is going through some challenges with her husband. My friend and her husband are both from India and work in the Pacific Northwest. They have two-year-old twin daughters. My friend's husband seems to be a friendly and agreeable person, with a very large circle of friends.
But my boyfriend complains that he is moody and very controlling. My friends and I have witnessed controlling behavior, where she has to manage the kids completely on her own and her husband doesn't seem at all interested in helping. It also controls what you do and who you visit.
She complained that her husband forced her to leave the house several times. Many friends and I visit the couple on social occasions, and we range from completely ignoring him to imploring him to be more helpful around the house. He simply ignores our advice. We haven't witnessed our friend being kicked out of the house, but I take her word for it.
“Lost” passport.
My friend's husband has prevented her from continuing her work, and now she is forced to work as a housewife, which she does not like. It may seem unreasonable and obviously unfair, but it is fairly common in some cultures for women to be treated this way. We friends have discussed this issue a lot and discussed how we can help.
These discussions often end with “we shouldn't interfere in their lives” or “it's her fight and she needs to fight back and know what to do.” Although, at some point, we may be unsure or unwilling to ruin our friendship with her husband. My friend recently told her friends that her husband “lost” her passport and is not filing a police complaint or getting a new one.
Today she told me that she is so fed up that she just wants to go to her parents in India, but she doesn't have her passport. Sometimes I think her husband is just hiding her passport. I have often thought that maybe I should just call the authorities, tell them about the problem and let them help her.
However, I'm also not sure if this is the right move. what should we do?
Confused friend
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“Coercive control and financial abuse are often linked together.”
Market watch illustration
Dear Friend,
No one knows what happens inside a relationship except the people involved.
However, there are signs of coercive control, financial and domestic abuse that should not be ignored, whether you are a friend, family member, hairdresser, manicurist or neighbor. We must all remain vigilant. You can't live someone's life for them, but you can give them information to help them realize what's going on.
Coercive control and financial abuse are often linked together. The vast majority of domestic violence cases also involve economic abuse, and finances are one of the main reasons a person stays with or returns to an abusive partner, as stated in a research brief by the University of Wisconsin-Madison Center for Financial Security. The fact that your friend's husband pushed her to quit her job is a bad sign.
Unfortunately, all the signs are there. Your friend's husband has taken away her source of income and her ability to travel, and she is completely dependent on him for money. Financial control and the gradual dismantling of her self-confidence go hand in hand. Other signs include economic exploitation where the abusive partner forces their partner to take on a line of debt, or does so in their name.
How to escape financial exploitation
I'm very reluctant to conflate your friend's husband's cultural background with his behavior. Men who exercise coercive control over their wives cross all geographic boundaries, and domestic violence is considered an epidemic in the United States
“Intimate partner violence is an ongoing public health problem that affects millions of Americans each year and disproportionately affects women and some racial/ethnic minority groups,” according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Your friend's marriage and life may now be her new normal, so if you think she's at risk of being controlled and manipulated, tell her the signs and say you're concerned about her long-term safety. A year can turn into 10 in the blink of an eye, and if she can't do it for herself, she might be willing to do it for her twin daughters.
Survivors of domestic violence must be financially prepared to leave, because escape is only half the battle, says Kansas City, Missouri-based law firm Hale Robinson & Robinson. They must support themselves once they escape the relationship, otherwise their chances of success will decrease. “You must obtain transportation, shelter, food and funds for the next legal battle,” the company adds.
There are women's shelters that have a detailed action plan on how to leave an abusive relationship, including what documents you must bring with you. These include bank and credit union account numbers, 401(k) information, copies of car titles, income tax returns for the past three years, the partner's Social Security and banking details.
Good luck in your efforts to protect your girlfriend – and good luck.
read the following: I lost $240,000 after a “friend” I met on Instagram encouraged me to invest in cryptocurrencies. Can I write off my loss?
Do you suffer from domestic violence or coercive control? Contact National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org. Free from It works to create financial security for survivors of domestic violence, and National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Supports efforts to change the conditions that lead to domestic violence and coercive control.
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
The Moneyist regrets that he cannot respond to questions individually.
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