Dear Quentin,
I have a good friend whom I love very much. He's one of those people I feel very comfortable around, as if I've known him for years. It's hard to make friends in New York. People have little time for after-work friendship, the gym, kickboxing classes, therapy, checking their stock portfolio and, frankly, planning their next move up the corporate ladder. I grew up in the Midwest, so I expected people to have more time to develop friendships. This friend has made an effort, meaning we meet once a week for dinner for about an hour and a half.
He called me this morning to invite me to a concert at Carnegie Hall. I'm not a fan of classical music (I usually fall asleep at the opera) but I said I would go and try to develop a taste for classical music. It beats sitting at home or sitting down to watch all those ads in the cinema. “Great,” he said, “I look forward to seeing you.” But before we hung up the phone, he added, “It would be nice if you could take me out to dinner.” It was eight in the morning – too early to call anyone, but my point is I was tired – so I said, “Sure!”
However, I was shocked and didn't know what to say. I've invited him to the theater in the past and never expected him to buy me dinner. In fact, the last time I brought him to the theater, I also brought another friend and ended up bringing that other friend to dinner! I didn't mind, because I figure “what goes around, comes around,” in a good way. I try not to calculate who is calling whom, and assume that everything is going well and even in the laundry. But now I'm having an evening with this friend where I feel compelled or forced to buy him dinner.
It takes the good out of the gesture if you are asked to take out your credit card. what would you do? Is this normal behaviour?
a friend in need is a friend indeed
Related: 'I felt insulted': She left her credit card to the waiter on her way to the bathroom. Is it permissible for a woman to pay for dinner on the first date?
“Some people have certain social protocols to make life easier, especially in an expensive city like New York.”
Market watch illustration
Dear Friend,
What would be nice – to use your friend's phrase – if he phrased his question differently: “Would you like to see this concert at Carnegie Hall? I'll get the tickets, and you can have dinner. It's not the most polite way to extend an invitation, but it at least sets out the terms in advance.” You wouldn't want to accept a free ticket from a stranger on the street who then pointed to a nearby restaurant and added, “Now you have to buy me dinner!” Taking him to dinner seems fair, but being asked to after I accept his stage invitation and it is a rug-pulling operation.
There is another unaddressed issue here. The invitation looks pointy, and if it looks pointy, it probably is pointy. You have your own social contract, which may be less transactional on the surface but may not work consistently, leaving room for a missed dinner invitation here and a missed play invitation there. This can leave people with a different behavior style with a bee in their bonnet – “I paid the last time we went to Carnegie Hall, and he didn't even buy me dinner!” – Even if you feel like you've returned the favor in other ways.
Some people have certain social protocols to make life easier, especially in an expensive city like New York. For example, if someone buys a $20 glass of wine, it's polite to say to their dinner companion, “Let me leave a $20 tip, because I had a drink and I don't think it's fair for you to pay for my wine.” Alcohol.” And the next time they meet and the same thing happens to the other friend, they can say, “I'll tip.” This means the protocol is understood. The problem here is that ticket prices to Carnegie Hall range from $81 to $224 So it's not a cheap night out.
What do you do? You won't enjoy the concert, especially since you're only going because he has a spare ticket and you think you're doing him a favor by trying not to fall asleep during the concert. You certainly won't enjoy your meal, knowing that you've been instructed to show your credit card at the end of the meal. The beauty of giving an invitation is that it is a gift, a gift of monetary value, of course, but also a gift that says your friend wants to spend time with you. So you wouldn't be doing him any favors by going now.
If, for example, you have three or more days before the event, decline. Make a polite excuse, and next time you meet for dinner, pay the bill.
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
The Moneyist regrets that he cannot respond to questions individually.
Previous columns by Quentin Fottrell:
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“Things weren't easy”: My sister is a hoarder and a procrastinator. It delays probate of our parents' property. what can i do?
'I gave up the job I loved so passionately': My husband secretly set up a trust that included our house and his investments. What should I do?
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