The late Louis Grizzard (LG) exercised his usual display of diplomacy with the introduction to his article on weather forecasting in which he said in old-school journalism: “If local TV news were an animal, it would be a duck!”
(Comparing the aforementioned saying to describe the number of snowflakes falling on Mount Monteagle is left to the reader's personal interpretation during the January 2024 snowstorm, etc.)
In “Aren't You Coming Home, Billy Bob Billy?” (1980 – Peachtree Publishing) Sage Moreland demonstrates his ability to predict and forecast weather reports. In his day, the 6:00 and 11:00 news forecasts included only 30 seconds of rain, sleet, hail, tornadoes, tornadoes, etc., and the predictions of John G, Don W, Bill R (earlier edition) and many others were their daily moments.
(As someone who has reaped the benefits of free advertising for the past 58 years—remember Harry T?—I'd rather let LG's uncensored comments get the praise or blame for the following ones.):
“I was watching the local TV news program that evening, and a man came on the screen and talked for about five minutes about the weather. For about five minutes.
TV news has done it again, I told myself. He went smack overboard.
I can remember when an entire local TV news program only lasted fifteen minutes. “Today President Eisenhower said…” and what followed was quick and concise.
There is no intelligent alternative between the broadcaster and his followers. There are no “live” reports from the checkpoint site this afternoon.
I got the news, some balls, and then a man in a baggy suit came out with the weather report. He drew some raindrops, snowflakes and happy sun on a big map and said: “Today, it will rain, and tomorrow it will not rain.”
That was the weather report. That was enough. But local TV news is always looking for a better way to do something that was good in the first place. So the baggy suit was eventually canned, and what followed was the smiling “weather girl.”
And what can I do for you, young lady?” asked the station manager.
“I want to be a smiling weather girl,” the sensual blonde said, crossing her legs.
“Can you draw happy raindrops, snowflakes and sun?” asked the station manager.
“No, but I'm a quick learner,” the blonde replied.
“You're hired,” the stationmaster said. So, for years, we've been getting TV weather reports from smiling weather girls.
“What's the weather like for tomorrow, Pony Sue?” asked the eleven o'clock announcer.
“A tornado will land at noon and wipe out half the city,” Bonnie Sue answered with a smile.
But even this approach to TV weather is dying. What stations do today, especially those in major markets, is employ full-fledged, card-carrying meteorologists to give the weather, and their forecasts all carry the American Meteorological Society's stamp of approval, which seems important even if it probably isn't the case. 'Don't mean Diddly.
The man I saw that evening was one of the new generation of television meteorologists. It had all the latest equipment. It had color radar. He had satellite images. It gave me the latest information about air currents in the upper atmosphere. He talked about “anomalous propagation,” which sounded like something that should only be done with consenting adults and only behind closed doors, and then made a far-reaching prediction that will stick with me from now until Groundhog Day.
I don't need that much. I do not want that. I do not understand that. Unless you're a moose, who really cares that there's a high pressure system over Saskatchewan? All those wonderful weather reports have taken away the mystery of weather and its forecasting.
We might as well forget the Farmer's Almanac and ignore the old man whose arthritis hasn't left behind a rainstorm in fifty years. Local TV news has a fundamental problem.
Because of his competitive nature and because the people involved in television don't seem to think much, he always has to find ways to combine show business with some occasional journalism.
This is what made us laugh weather girls. This is what has now brought us very long and very complex weather reports. This is what will eventually bring us TV weather forecasts when someone comes out and sings.
(We'll save for another day the warm comments LG suggested about newscasters being able to read teleprompters and critical news items from the jungles of Borneo and sidewalk restroom facilities in Portland and San Francisco.)
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You can contact Jerry Summers at jsummers@summersfirm.com
Jerry Summers
