Americans will spend nearly $26 billion for the holidays this year, including 1 billion greeting cards, 58 million pounds of chocolate, and 250 million roses.
But if you're looking for the true meaning of Valentine's Day, you're not alone.
Despite the pomp and circumstance, there is still widespread “Valentine's Day blues” — a form of situational depression, according to recent scientific research. Maybe the answer is not more sweets and commercialism, but a connection to something deeper and more primal.
Romance is an adventure
The expert traveler and famous adventurer Jane Coleman paraphrases Helen Keller when she says: “Love is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” Over the years, she has recommended diving with sharks and snorkeling with sea lions to couples looking to reconnect. “Adventure travel has long-term benefits for couples by building their relationship through shared experiences and igniting romance and intimacy,” Coleman says.
She advocates adventures that partners can have together instead of hanging out by the pool. For her, that might be climbing cliffs in the desert, jumping off jungle waterfalls, or running through a frozen forest under an arctic sky. “It doesn't matter what you do; anything can be an adventure, as long as you escape your comfort zone and enter that growth zone,” Coleman declares. “If couples do it together, it's a romantic adventure,” she added.
Explore the adventure inside
Couples don't have to travel together to experience romantic growth. Sometimes, the adventure is within yourself.
Owner of Pure Orgasmic Love, Holistic Somatic Sexologist, and Certified Sexologist, Dragonfly Lee facilitates women-only retreats for women of all sexual orientations who want to delve deeper into who they are and what they desire.
You often hear women talk to me about feeling like there is something missing or wanting something more from a relationship. However, many need help with this missing something. Making these discoveries can be an adventure.
It's fun, exciting, scary, and sometimes exhausting. Having the right mindset is vital. Just like the view from the top of the mountain, there will be difficult moments getting there, but the fun is indescribable when you reach the top and enjoy the view!
Lee believes that “life is a rich tapestry of experiences once you address the invisible roots that hinder your journey towards happiness and a life of pleasure.”
She invites women to explore the transformative power of somatic (body-based) learning to identify and begin removing what she calls the “seven major obstacles” to their connection and joy.
By unpacking their “life’s baggage,” they can move forward along their unique path without the extra weight and with the support of a community of forward-thinking, like-minded women.
“The need for real, deep connection is in our DNA. If we don’t connect by touch, we won’t thrive; many negative things happen mentally and physically. We wither and die in the way we speak. A big part of working with our biology to improve our overall health is to connect authentically.” With those we share our lives with and having a safe, uninterrupted connection. Providing opportunities for learning, play and adventures is part of this. “Understanding what that looks like for you and then with your partner allows you to expand and create new, more exciting adventures in and out of the bedroom,” Lee continues. .
A mentor and colleague of mine, Kavin Jesse, explains that learning to regulate autonomic nervous system responses and restore pleasure can be exhausting or frightening. People can learn to recognize the difference between feeling uncomfortable and feeling insecure. They can learn how to regulate and tolerate the stress of discomfort.
Gradually, they can regain a sense of security and body awareness, but only when they work in their personal learning zone. That means not too much, not too fast.
The learning zone exists outside the comfort zone and varies from person to person. Great experiences live in the learning zone, whether accessed through a couple's adventure or a guided personal retreat.
Navigating the panic zone
Experts warn of another, more dangerous place outside the learning zone called the panic zone, where controlling anxiety drains your energy, and nothing flows freely into learning.
Licensed therapist, relationship coach, and registered yoga teacher Katherine Scantlin encourages people to identify triggers that can send them from the learning zone to the panic zone. “I love working with couples who dare to push beyond comfort and lean into their own growth boundaries, but sometimes the line between the learning zone and the panic zone is a fine line.”
When people are stimulated, they experience the “four F's”: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. “Not only does identifying your triggers help you avoid them,” Scantlin continues, “but you can develop techniques to help regain the emotional regulation required to achieve the goals of diving into the learning zone together, which is deepening connection and intimacy.”
Scantlin is the founder of the Extended Communication Coaching practice. She and four other growth-minded coaches offer teaching and therapy sessions to anyone seeking to better understand themselves, their relationships, and achieve their communication goals.
Scantlin has experienced many triggers ranging from jealousy, insecurity, body image, and fears of violating perceived societal norms. Her advice is simple. “The first step is to learn when you and/or your partner are triggered so that you can proceed carefully to protect yourselves and the relationship from potential harm from behaviors initiated by the Four Elements.
“When you notice yourself being aroused, start with your breath. Slow it down and notice how different your body and mind feel. Not only does mindful breathing create space between stimulating stimuli and your potentially painful reaction and flood your body with positive neurochemicals, but it can be a cue for your partner to take a breath Also, slowing your descent along well-worn paths of conflict and staying connected to your breathing together can help you find connection during the incident instead of damaging your relationship further.
Scantlin believes that relationships and adventure travel share many common traits, and sharing adventures has the added benefit of deepening your connection. You develop the skills to navigate difficult situations and be resilient when things go wrong.
Throughout your journey, you will have experiences and undergo personal growth and healing while developing the neuroplasticity necessary for deep, meaningful connections. Venturing together and taking on challenges in your learning areas brings you closer and emphasizes the team feeling that is the cornerstone of all great intimate relationships.
If you want a little more intimacy this Valentine's Day, the answer may be more than just a box of chocolates and a new trinket. Adventures in and out of the bedroom create shared experiences and build deeper relationships that last longer than a bouquet of flowers.
Everyone, every couple, has their own definition of adventure, and that's a beautiful thing. Be honest with yourself and your partner, have fun, protect your precious relationship with education and therapeutic support, and don't be afraid to try something new to reignite your flame.
This article originally appeared on Media Decision.
Hello! We are Ed and Jane Coleman also known as Coleman Concierge. In short, we are a 10th generation couple from Huntsville sharing our stories of amazing adventures through transformative and experiential activity-based travel.
