This man and his wife have been through some tough times, but in fact they've been in this predicament for decades. He hasn't had a job for many years, because he says his wages would be garnished so he wouldn't be worth working. They owe a lot in property taxes. So he does odd jobs for money.
They have attacked their neighbors for money over the years, but everyone has stopped giving them money. Even the local church no longer helps them. The wife gets Social Security Disability, and the husband just turned 62 and started receiving Social Security this month.
Their house is literally collapsing, and they have no running water. They come to our house to fill water jugs when needed. Just this month, my husband loaned the man $400. I don't mind it, except this guy keeps calling my husband to borrow $20 or $40 at a time.
Are we selfish?
Sometimes my husband asks him to work on saving some of the money he owes by weeding or trimming the bushes — things we can do ourselves. My husband claims the man will pay us back when he has the money, but I doubt it. We are now constantly fighting about it.
I'm starting to feel like we're being taken advantage of, but my husband feels bad for them. We are a retired couple in our late 60s, and this is destroying our retirement budget. My husband says we have the money and are in good financial shape.
I told my husband that instead of giving cash, let's buy our neighbor oil for his car – he has a history of running vehicles into the ground from not taking care of them – or gas cards, or store gift cards, but he said the guy wanted cash. I don't know how long this will last.
Am I selfish? Is there another way to deal with this situation?
Good (or bad) neighbors.
Related: My in-laws asked me to waive any claim on the $100,000 they gave us as a down payment on our house – on the day we closed. Is this legal?
“Although it may seem shocking, there are more than 2.2 million people in the United States without running water.”
Market watch illustration
Dear neighbor,
Being a good neighbor does not necessarily mean giving money to others when they ask for it. In fact, you can empower these neighbors instead of helping them. But there are other issues here that need to be addressed: You can be a good neighbor by helping them find help to make their home habitable — including making sure they have running water. It's not just a lifestyle or financial problem: unsanitary conditions pose a threat to their health as well.
They may be able to apply for single-family housing loans through the Department of Agriculture. Other organizations that can help them bring their homes up to basic standards include AARP; the nonprofit Community Action Partnership, which was created as part of President Lyndon Johnson's War on Poverty and supported by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.; and Habitat for Humanity, a nonprofit organization that partners with people in the local community.
Your neighbors may be stuck in a cycle of poverty, and giving them cash will not help meet their basic needs. The World Health Organization says that polluted water and poor sanitation are linked to many diseases such as diarrhea, dysentery, hepatitis C and typhoid, adding that “the absence, inadequacy or inappropriate management of water and sanitation services exposes individuals to preventable health risks.”
As shocking as it may seem, there are more than 2.2 million people in the United States without running water, according to the nonprofit DigDeep, which aims to bring safe, clean water to all households in the United States. There are another 44 million people in the United States who do not have access to safe drinking water. “Black and Latino households are twice as likely as white households to lack indoor plumbing, while Native American households are 19 [times] As likely, the organization says.
Egoism versus realism
To your original question, there's nothing like a balance sheet and timeline to provide context and wake people up to the realities of their retirement prospects. You can use this opportunity to have a discussion with your spouse about your financial goals, income, savings, and expenses. You're right that $400 here and $40 there can add up, and your husband is effectively addressing the symptoms of your neighbors' financial problems rather than the source of the problem.
You are not being selfish; You are realistic. We are here to help people – that is our job as human beings – but we cannot expect anyone to pump money into their neighbors' coffers at the expense of their own financial well-being. It may make your husband feel good about himself, but there are other ways he can help in his community, in addition to the organizations mentioned above. Decisions about giving money to these neighbors should be made jointly between you and them. It is not recommended to establish a dependent relationship with a neighbor.
There's very little chance you'll ever see any of this money again, so if your husband gave a total of $1,000 — to pick a rough number — to these neighbors, he should write it off and then think about what else you could have done with that money: fix your plumbing, improve your insulation , repaint your walls, paint your house, upgrade your car, top up your emergency fund — which should be enough to cover at least six months of expenses — or even take a vacation.
This is not Monopoly money. Your husband is putting your neighbors' needs above your own, and the longer he's a “nice person” — someone who finds it hard to say no even when many others reached that point long ago — the longer he will be around. He will continue to act as a “savior”. This term has biblical connotations, but it is not always a smart or sustainable choice in real life. However, he can still be a good husband and a good neighbor by being a helper.
He just has to know the difference between the two.
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
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