I live in Florida and bought a house in 2011. My mother moved in about a year later. We never discussed whether this was permanent or not, but after a few years I started thinking about living on my own again. However, she refuses to come out. She's invested money in repairs and new appliances, and she's covering groceries and chef costs — even after I asked her not to pay for anything.
So when I asked her out, she mentioned all the money I invested and said she would either take everything she bought with her or I would have to pay her back, and that was the end of the conversation. I am now in a relationship that is getting serious. We talked about moving in together. But my friend is angry about the way my mother treats me and how she is obsessed with fixing up my house.
I'm trying to pay off my house and I'm also thinking about getting her to continue living there and renting out the other room. My boyfriend is suggesting that he and I move into his apartment together, which means I can sell my house, and my mother will move out on her own. But my mother is getting older, and even though she pressures me, I feel bad asking her out.
I don't like the idea of selling my house, in case things don't work out with my boyfriend. He insists he will pay us for a new house so I don't have to use the money I make from selling my house. Instead, the money I make from the sale will go toward my retirement. But he also thought selling would take the pressure off me, because if my mother stayed at my house and I rented out the other room, she would call me all the time.
My friend believes that even after I pay off my house, it will take a while before I make a profit if I rent it out, and that I will make more money and have less stress in the long run if I sell before the housing market tanks. If I sell my house, my mother wants her share of what I spent on the house. His idea is tempting.
He says that in a relationship we all have to make sacrifices, but I feel like mine would be greater, and I would like some time to think before selling. Any ideas or options?
hesitant
“You seem to be the one who makes all the sacrifices.”
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Dear Unspecified,
You seem to be the one who makes all the sacrifices.
Don't sell your house, take care of one thing at a time. You are also dealing with two separate issues: living in a house with your mother (a situation you would like to change) and not living with your boyfriend (a situation you would like to change). You have control over both, but take care of the first first. She is your mother, after all, and resolving this situation amicably should be your first priority.
You have a parental and financial relationship with your mother, and you feel grateful to your boyfriend because you supposedly care about him and want to make the relationship work. But you can't be all things to all people, because sooner or later, you'll find that you've put everyone first and become a bit player in your own life story. So the first action is to decide what you need.
Telling people what you need is the first step to becoming the architect of your own life: “I need to live alone at this point in my life.” Or “I need to hold on to my home instead of selling it, it is my haven and an investment in my future.” Even if others don't listen or respect your needs — whether they're friends, family members, or friends — you need to respect your own needs and act accordingly.
As for the ethics of removing your mother from your home, that is something you have to decide. She has contributed financially to the upkeep of your property, but that does not give her the right to live there To infinity. The legal issues governing the eviction of a family member without a lease vary from state to state. You can ask her to sign the lease, of course, thus formalizing your arrangement.
Legal rules vary by country
In Florida, in order to evict someone who does not have a lease, you must file a suit called an unlawful detainer action with the district court. Unlike eviction, with this procedure “the homeowner does not have to provide notice to the family member or individual trying to remove it,” according to the law firm of Brian Kowal. “This is because there is no landlord-tenant relationship. Once an unlawful detainer report is filed, they have five days to respond.”
Other countries have similar laws. “New York courts have held that when family members (non-owners) live in a property with the owner's consent, they cannot be summarily evicted,” according to New York law firm Weiss & Weiss. “Instead, the eviction action must be filed in Superior Court in the county in which the building is located.”
He continues: “The deportation lawsuit is filed in the same way as a regular lawsuit, where the party is notified of a summons and complaint, and then has between 20 and 30 days to submit a response, depending on the method of notification. After answering, the defendant will have the opportunity to defend the claim, obtain full discovery, and have a trial, if the claim is not decided by motion.
Of course, these are extremes, and you seem conflicted. It's time to have a frank talk with your mother about your future. First you need to know what you want to happen. You can rent out your home and she can serve as your de facto landlady, or you can both find alternative housing for your mother, or you can set a time frame for when you want to make changes.
Take action based on what you think is right, not what your friend thinks is a good idea — which may just be a good idea for him. The best way to decide whether to continue or change your living arrangements with your mother is to look at the alternatives available to her, based on her income and savings. If you work together and give yourselves a generous timeline, I'm confident you can solve this.
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
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