In 2007, my ex-husband and I bought a house, where we lived as a family with our two sons for only a few years before our divorce in 2009. I refinanced the house in my name, paying the mortgage and utilities. As a single parent ever since.
In 2016, I met a guy and started dating him. We lived separately, only about 10 to 15 minutes from each other. In 2021, after I battled cancer, he proposed to me and I accepted. Since we lived only a few minutes away, I stayed at my husband's two-bedroom apartment Thursday through Sunday, and Sunday through Thursday at my house, where I worked from home. I did this for years.
My oldest son moved back in with me in 2021. He graduated high school in 2017 and I gave him a year off to live at my house to decide his next move, after which he left and started his career. He lived alone for a year, then lived with my father for a year. He met a girl; They signed a lease and then the pandemic hit. After their lease expired, they separated, and he decided to return to college full-time. I agreed that he could live at my house while he attended college. His tuition is covered by grants and a 529 fund set up by his grandmother.
In 2022, my then-boyfriend and I got married. However, we still hadn't moved in together full time, as I still had my own home, and my youngest son hadn't graduated high school yet. I wanted to be home with him.
Helping to support two families
My youngest son, 19, graduated from high school in 2023. Later that summer, I moved out of my house to live with my husband full-time. I pay 50% of the expenses for living with my husband and 100% of the expenses for my house where the children live.
I kept both families going so that my youngest could have a year off of his own, and to support my eldest son, who I didn't really think would go to college, while he attended to his studies. They are young and finding their way, and I wanted to give them the support I felt they needed. But here we are in 2024, and I can't afford to keep both households running without impacting my ability to save for retirement.
Here's my dilemma: I don't know how to get my kids out of my house so I can clean it, stage it, and list it for sale. We live in an area where the average rent for a two-bedroom apartment is $1,800 per month. My youngest son works full time after his passion for BMWs and earns about $2400 a month. My oldest son, who is 25, works part-time in retail and earns about $1,000 a month while attending college. They both work within 3 miles of my house. They simply cannot afford to move out, and I cannot afford to continue paying for two families.
To complicate matters, I have about $100,000 in equity in the house, and I'd like to use it to pay off some small debt and buy a car, plus retire the rest. But my mother, who has had a long and successful career in real estate, thinks I should wait it out and let my stocks continue to build, giving the boys some support while they still find their way.
Do I shop around and find them an apartment, help them set up utilities and help with transportation? Do we build a project plan with a deadline, or do we keep looking for places in the hope that we will eventually find a place we love? Do I support their monthly expenses and give each of them $400 a month for utilities if it covers their rent?
I know this is probably easy for others, but I'm confused about how and when to do it. We all feel stuck, afraid and anxious. Any advice is appreciated.
Wife and mother
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“On the topic of mothers, listen to yours. If you can rent your house, pay the mortgage and wait for the value to increase, do so.”
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Dear wife and mother,
The longer you support your adult children, the more they will depend on you and need you as their ATM. It got them to the finish line, and then some. I raised them, raised them, fed them, clothed them, and sheltered them. You are now paying for electricity and other bills. It's time for your kids to stand on their own two feet and, as my Irish mother says, cut their clothes to size.
On the topic of mothers, listen to yours. If you can rent your house, pay the mortgage and wait for the value to increase, do so. Your mom works in real estate and knows what she's talking about. Real estate, in an ideal world, is a long-term game. It's time for your kids to move into a small apartment and experience the joy of paying their own way and standing on their own two feet. You need to cut the rope.
Act with integrity and intention. The best way to make a big move — and it's probably as big an emotional step as it is financial — is to be prepared. Sit down with your children and an independent financial advisor, and do a legitimate accounting of their income and expenses and where they spend their money. I can almost guarantee you that their subsidized lifestyle makes room for spending money in areas they could easily cut back on.
There is an underlying feeling of guilt in your letter. Have you done enough? Yes. Should you do more? No, you've done too much, and now you're putting your children before your financial peace of mind and retirement. Does it make you a bad or unfeeling person if you decide to cut it off? of course not. Quite the opposite: You can lead by example by explaining what it means to make tough decisions and stick to them.
When you calculate your children's income and expenses, look at rents in your neighborhood or surrounding neighborhoods, if necessary. The goal is for them to start taking responsibility for themselves. They don't need a two-bedroom apartment. They can live in a one-bedroom apartment and take turns sleeping on the sofa bed. It is a rite of passage, and it teaches young people the value of money and what it means to take responsibility for oneself.
The proportion of adult children in the United States living with their parents has risen steadily since the 1960s. In 2020, during the pandemic, a third of children aged 18-34 lived with their parents without caregivers. Men ages 18 to 24, respectively, were more likely to live at home than women and ages 25 to 34, according to a study distributed by the National Bureau of Economic Research. Parents receive support at home; Children get to experience a low-cost lifestyle.
But while the National Bureau of Economic Research has found social benefits to living with adult children and that it does not necessarily delay retirement, the benefits of giving your children a head start by giving them a place to live begin to diminish when your ability to save for retirement is hampered. And you're burning money to support two families. This is also money you can spend on vacations, new cars, and building a future with your husband. You deserve to enjoy life and put yourself first for a change. Tell your children: “You're ready. I'm ready. I love you. Let's do this.”
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
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