I'm in my early 50s, divorced, working full time, and raising my only child, a teenage daughter, on my own for 12 years. My daughter has separated from her father who pays child support. We live in Connecticut.
My parents are deceased as of last year. I moved out of the family home 34 years ago. I have one sibling: a sister who is a little older than me, and she never moved out of the family home, never went to college, never married, never got a driver's license, and has no children. I don't think she had to pay rent at all.
My parents and my sister and I are government employees with pensions. My sister has passed her high school diploma and is already eligible for retirement. Her job gives her a lot of time off, including vacations and the entire summer.
When our last father became ill, she became responsible for their care. There was a lot of money between pensions and retirement accounts that I was able to use for home health care, medical expenses, household expenses, and eventually funeral expenses.
“Never stopped working.”
She never stopped working on all of this, and had power of attorney over all their accounts. She was evasive with me about the amount of money she was supervising, and I never brought up the issue.
My parents' house was paid off several years ago, and both parents' names are on the deed. They had no will, but they described us as equal beneficiaries in all respects. This money has been distributed.
My sister has been avoiding the will issue for months. She continues to quibble about the ongoing costs associated with the house, but assures me that everything is paid for. She has a history of procrastination and has been hoarding for decades. Over time, the standing space inside the home decreases significantly.
Through the will, the house and our parents' property are to be divided between us. Since I can't imagine that my sister would find the money to move out or prepare the house for sale, I want her to buy half of the house so that my daughter and I can live a more secure life.
Completion of loan repayments
We are renting, and things have not been easy for us. I paid my way through college myself and finished paying off all my loans three years ago. I plan on sending my daughter to college in a few years and I have a 529 plan for her that is only worth about $15,000. I've sacrificed a lot to put aside retirement money for a long time, but I'll probably never feel confident that it's enough.
My sister has been busy with many activities which she claims is the reason we cannot start this probate process now. People around me urge me to be more assertive. I have contacted the appropriate city offices, have a certified copy of the house deed and some applications in hand, but I do not feel qualified to do this properly on my own.
I know there are mediators and lawyers who can help, but I don't know the best way to get this situation under control without spending a lot of money. What is the fairest and quickest way you suggest to achieve this when someone passively resists?
He feels upset
Related: My mother had a trust, so why do we still need a will to settle her estate?
“The good news is that all of your attorney fees will likely be paid out of your parents' estate, so you won't have any upfront legal costs.”
Market watch illustration
Dear stuck,
It's time to contact a lawyer. Delaying this process may cost you dearly.
In Connecticut, you have up to 30 days to file for probate; After that, you may be subject to fines. “Probate fees are set by law and are uniform throughout the state,” according to the Connecticut probate court system. Interest shall accrue at the rate of 0.5% per month on all unpaid charges on the decedent's estate beginning 30 days after the invoice date, or, if a Connecticut estate tax return is not filed within the required time, beginning 30 days after the invoice date the return was due. ” You can access our online calculator to estimate probate court fees here.
The good news is that all of your attorney fees will likely be paid out of your parents' estate, so you won't have any upfront legal costs. The executor must be chosen by the person who wrote the will; If your sister is unable to assume these responsibilities, talk to a trust and estate attorney about petitioning the court to remove your sister as trustee. You may have decided to keep your sister as executor of the will, but after you have explained to her the financial implications, you can move forward with the help of your attorney.
Your sister has proven herself to be hardworking, by your own account, but she needs help with this process, and she needs help with other aspects of her life. Removing her as trustee would be time consuming and stressful. Possible reasons for removing an executor include egregious behavior such as stealing from or wasting estate assets, or failure to cooperate with the administration of the estate. Removing a conservator can be a complex and expensive process, and may run the risk of wasting more money from your parents' estate.
Personal Issues
Perhaps the legal side of your story has become intertwined with your personal history. In your letter you identified your sister primarily with what she does not have: a husband, children, driver's license, etc. But she also proved herself capable and had many other positive qualities: she was a carer, and worked hard as a government employee to build up a pension to enable her to retire. What you lack now is the support that you and your attorney can provide. The nature of this support is legal, practical and emotional as well. Providing the latter may be the key to the rest.
Hoarding disorder is recognized as a mental health condition by the medical profession. An outsider may see dust and dirt, as well as cramped and potentially dangerous living conditions, but does not always see what lies beneath: fear, pain and possibly other neurological and psychological disturbances, including obsessive-compulsive disorder. Your sister, of course, needs to be diagnosed by a medical professional. Procrastination is also positively related to anxiety. Again, outsiders may mistake this for disinterest or laziness.
Feeling frustrated with your sister may be a familiar feeling and you're willing to put up with it. But just as your sister should not be allowed to let her very important issues interfere with verifying your parents' estate, you also should not let your relationship with your sister prevent you from taking action. First, you will have the legal process, which will be disclosed if you seek help from a lawyer. Next, you will have the equally important task of encouraging your sister to seek support from a therapist who may be able to help her move forward.
Your will predicament shows that no one problem exists in isolation.
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
The Moneyist regrets that he cannot respond to questions individually.
Previous columns by Quentin Fottrell:
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'She was very special to me': My late 98-year-old cousin was targeted by scammers. They stole $800,000. Do I have any recourse?
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