I met a guy on Tinder MTCH,
I had an introductory phone conversation, which I always think is a good idea before making the effort to meet in person. During our 15-minute phone conversation, he told me about his divorce, his job and his hobbies. He described himself as a simple person who likes to socialize with others and exercise.
He often talked about his children for five minutes or more. He said he owned a small house. He asked me what I did for a living, when was my last relationship, what neighborhood I lived in, whether I rented or owned my apartment, and whether it was a studio apartment, a one-bedroom apartment, or a two-bedroom apartment. I felt uncomfortable, but I answered.
I live in New York City, and I happen to own my own apartment, but I felt like he was sizing me up and trying to get a picture of my finances before he decided to meet me. He also asked me how long I had lived in my apartment, perhaps to assess how much equity I had in it. I replied, “For a while” because I already felt like he was meddling with my finances too much in the first conversation.
Once he was satisfied with my answers to these questions, he suggested that we meet. I'm busy this weekend, so I suggest driving into town during the week. Based on his job and profession, I can reasonably estimate that I earn about twice his salary, although that means nothing to me, and I couldn't care less about it. But given his questions about money, I find that ironic.
I asked some friends. Some spat, while others felt such questions were fair game. what do you think?
Annoyed even before our first date
Related: I want my father to resign his house so I can refinance it – and get a $200,000 annual stipend for me and my sister. Is this wise?
“Based on his questions, it is important to him that you have the same level of financial security as him. If not, he would not have asked.”
Market watch illustration
Dear Angry,
He's not your real estate agent or financial advisor, so I agree it's weird for a stranger to ask you about your living arrangements.
Based on his questions, it's important to him that you have the same level of financial security as he does. If it wasn't for him, he wouldn't have asked. It's that easy. Likewise, if he is wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, he may care less than someone who has only partially climbed the property ladder. But do I think it's too much to ask in the first conversation? Yes.
The Greek chorus does not give much importance. Whether others are comfortable with such questions on the first call is immaterial; if You Not comfortable, you have your answer. You are, after all, the one he's going to date, and you expect him to display a semblance of emotional intelligence and sensitivity. It is essential to be able to read the room.
Let there be no mistake: If he is asking a question about your real estate holdings or finances, he is interested in them as a way to evaluate (or judge) your suitability as a partner. He may be romanticizing his relationship prospects based on first impressions, wondering if he can combine assets and live splendidly. But words and questions have meaning.
Social acceptance versus social mobility
In America, it may be more acceptable than in some European countries to ask what you do for a living, and even whether you rent or own in a big city like New York. The United States is a country of immigrants, and has a larger immigrant population than any other population in the world, according to the Pew Research Center.
The idea is to strive, work harder, and perform better than the previous generation. Although the majority of Americans doubt the possibility of achieving upward mobility from one generation to the next, millions of people are reevaluating their relationship with work-life balance in the world. The aftermath of the epidemic.
Wealth and appearance play a role in whether a person swipes left or right, but the former appears to become more important when approached by a partner considered attractive. “When taking long-term interest into account, it appears that the physical attractiveness of the model was an initial hurdle that needed to be cleared before participants considered any other factors,” according to a 2020 study.
People swipe right based on economic factors. It would be foolish or idealistic to suggest that they do not. However, if a man wearing sunglasses and giving two thumbs up stands next to a Lamborghini, listing Bitcoin BTCUSD,
Trading as one of his hobbies, he probably doesn't own a Lamborghini, and in my estimation, he may have Tinder Swindler-level intentions.
And if the potential partner is attractive and wealthy? This seems to be an attractive combination. Online females are 10 times more likely to click on profiles with higher-earning men, at least according to this study published in the Journal of Economic Behavior and Organization, while online males are more likely to click on profiles of women, regardless. Enter.
I wouldn't bet too much on studies that say men look for attractive partners, while women are more interested in men who appear wealthy. You could probably do an analysis of any online dating site and collect a sample that would give you conclusions that say pretty much anything you want them to say. It all depends on the individual: someone who knows the exact size of his backyard and strives to keep up with the neighbors is likely to ask whether you rent or own it.
In other words, that person who questioned you because of your socioeconomic circumstances might still be a perfect fit for someone else.
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
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